Sunday, December 09, 2018

Apolgies from Eddie

I know I said the first chapter of Eddie's biography would appear last month, but, as always with Eddie, things didn't go to plan.

I tracked him down to his home town, wondering what had happened, and found him where I didn't expect. Living with his cousin Leoni as promised rather than in a field wondering what happened to him the previous night.

I'll let Eddie take it from here.


"I'm sorry Martin, I came home a while back and walked into a s**tstorm.

"Y'see, two and a half years ago my brother, Barry, became the head of Bright Start Academy. I remember it well. My mum sent me the first two pages of the local paper with all the details and a little note saying 'This could have been you'.

"It listed all the new rules he was implementing such as -
  • Pupils dismounting bikes as they come through the gates
  • Taking off hats as the come through the gates
  • No talking between classes
  • No talking in the dining halls
  • Girls had to sit on one side of the dining tables, boys the other
"You get the drift.

"Personally I think he'd been reading too much Harry Potter and taking pointers from Dolores Umbridge.

"Anyhoo, shortly after taking up the mantel of headship he became aware that the pupils, and one or two of the staff, referred to him as the B.F.G., after the main character in Roald Dahl's book, Big Friendly Giant. He believed it to be a term of endearment.

"First weekend last month he was travelling into town on the bus, having taken his car into the garage for a service and repair, he'd bought himself a new Volvo last year.

"A couple of his third year pupils were on the bus, deep in conversation. Y'know what they say: listen in on other people's conversations and you never hear anything good of yourself. Well, he was earwigging and discovered that BFG actually meeant Big Fat Git.

"His misery was compounded the following Monday when he went to pick up his car. Gerry, the mechanic, asked him why he had chosen to rename it, then, grinning, pointed to the badge on the boot."

I asked what his brother had renamed the car.

"He didn't. At some point the name badge had been switched out. My brother had been driving around in Vulva. As you can imagine he is not a happy headmaster and is laying the blame on pupils in the school. He's decided they are the only ones who could have done it."

I asked why.

"Well, fourth year is when they start melting tin and lead in technology and making moulds. So every one of the fourth year up is in detention for 45 minutes very week night until the end of term for vandalising the car of a mamber of staff."

Knowing Eddie's mercurial sense of humour I asked how he found all this out.

"My nephew confided in me. My brother is not a greedy man and has been sharing his pain. As I said, I walked into a s**tstorm.

"Anyway, I promise you'll have the first chapter in time for the new year."

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