Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Remember Eddie Whelan?

Remember Eddie Whelan? That monster performer of the 80s? Second only to Eric Clapton (in Eddie's eyes)?

He's back. New album, new tour, new everything...almost. Hasn't got a new wife yet.

I've been privileged to be given an interview with the great man ahead of his latest biography, a tale that picks up some years after his last (1999) biography, but misses out the years in between. According to Eddie it's because they were either boring or he was too drunk to remember.

  • AGE: 58 (but that’s negotiable) 
  • HEIGHT: 5’11, but everyone’s the same height when they lay down 
  • EYE COLOUR: Blue, unless I change my contacts 
  • PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: Tall, slim, wavy hair, perfect teeth, stunning good looks 
  • UNIQUE ATTRIBUTES: Amazing talent 
  • THINGS YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE: Nothing really, why mess with perfection 
  • WHERE DO YOU LIVE: I did live in Mayfair til the taxman snagged my mansion, now I am between abodes 
  • PET PEEVES: The music industry’s views on age and viability in music. The average boy band has had it once they hit 18. Oh, and mass produced plastic pop 
  • FONDEST MEMORY: Hard to choose really, they are all x-rated 
  • HOBBIES AND INTERESTS: 36-28-36-69 
  • SPECIAL SKILLS AND ABILITIES: See previous question 
  • INSECURITIES: What? Me insecure? 
  • WHAT ARE YOUR NEGATIVE TRAITS: My first two wives will tell you that I don’t think things through 
  • THINGS WHICH UPSET YOU: My first two wives not trusting me 
  • THINGS WHICH EMBARRASS YOU: Nothing. If you’re afraid it’s going to come back and haunt you, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place 
  • IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVE STRONG OPINIONS ON: Yes. Crappy bubblegum music. And seersucker. Who ever invented that had serious issues
  • WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY: Performing on stage 
  • WHAT IS YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET: My real first name is Eric 
  • WHY DID YOU KEEP THAT A SECRET: There is only room in music for one Eric 
  • FAVOURITE BOOKS: Anything by Wodehouse, Cornwall, Bates, Tolkein, Pratchett, Holt, and Boccaccio 
  • FAVOURITE FOOD: Anything but heart, liver, kidneys, snails and frog legs. Oh, and fugu fish. Fugu fish is the gastronomic equivalent of dodging traffic 
  • FAVOURITE SPORT: Ladies volley ball 
  • WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU: Bloody Susan bunking off with my bank account 
  • SUPERSTITIONS: Don’t have room for those. They're just an excuse people use when things go wrong 

The first chapter of his book will be released on this blog next month.


N.B. Eddie Whelan is a fictional character. Any similarity between Eddie and any other fabulous performer is purely coincidental. Just so you know.