Monday, May 14, 2018

Depression Diary - The Others

Sometimes it doesn't matter how well you are doing, how much better you feel, someone can come along and trigger a relapse.

They may not be doing it deliberately, though sometimes they are, but they're still doing it.

It's why hanging out with others is so fraught for the depressive and why we carefully pick what we do and with whom.

I was triggered on Saturday and I'm still in the depths at the moment. I've given some serious thought to how much longer I can last. Two of my kids are able to look after themselves, the other will take a few more years before he is able. Once that is done (and I refuse to hold him back for my needs), then, unless my life changes for the better, hanging on will get a lot harder.

I find it easier to live for others than myself.

Some will ask why, most will just talk at me and tell me why I'm wrong, always using their own 'perfect' lives as an example.

Those that talk at me are dismissing what I feel and I have learned to ignore them. Mostly. Those that ask are usually people who jump in at the first breath or imagined gap and then talk at me. I have yet to find someone who will sit silently while my thoughts dribble out. Not even a counsellor.

Looking around me I see a world of pain with no hope for the future. I see 'fervent' Christians loving the Trump era as they feel it can bring on the rapture and the end time, ignoring the suffering that it would cause to billions. A suffering, if the bible is anything to go by, that will be worse than what we have now. (Read Revelations for examples)

So I was triggered and have lapsed. I also have a toothache that will not go away which is depressing me even more as it refuses to budge and will not get better or worse. It's the draining kind. Strong enough to matter, weak enough not to debilitate.

I'll continue for now. For how much longer I don't know.

The future is undecided for me. It could end well or badly, but I have a short timescale to make a difference, if indeed I can.

I will continue to be good to others, even if it does cost me things I want and, sometimes, need, as I refuse to give into the world's nastiness. But I can only go on for so long. And some of those who trigger me I cannot push out of my life, however much I want to.

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