Sunday, December 09, 2018

Apolgies from Eddie

I know I said the first chapter of Eddie's biography would appear last month, but, as always with Eddie, things didn't go to plan.

I tracked him down to his home town, wondering what had happened, and found him where I didn't expect. Living with his cousin Leoni as promised rather than in a field wondering what happened to him the previous night.

I'll let Eddie take it from here.


"I'm sorry Martin, I came home a while back and walked into a s**tstorm.

"Y'see, two and a half years ago my brother, Barry, became the head of Bright Start Academy. I remember it well. My mum sent me the first two pages of the local paper with all the details and a little note saying 'This could have been you'.

"It listed all the new rules he was implementing such as -
  • Pupils dismounting bikes as they come through the gates
  • Taking off hats as the come through the gates
  • No talking between classes
  • No talking in the dining halls
  • Girls had to sit on one side of the dining tables, boys the other
"You get the drift.

"Personally I think he'd been reading too much Harry Potter and taking pointers from Dolores Umbridge.

"Anyhoo, shortly after taking up the mantel of headship he became aware that the pupils, and one or two of the staff, referred to him as the B.F.G., after the main character in Roald Dahl's book, Big Friendly Giant. He believed it to be a term of endearment.

"First weekend last month he was travelling into town on the bus, having taken his car into the garage for a service and repair, he'd bought himself a new Volvo last year.

"A couple of his third year pupils were on the bus, deep in conversation. Y'know what they say: listen in on other people's conversations and you never hear anything good of yourself. Well, he was earwigging and discovered that BFG actually meeant Big Fat Git.

"His misery was compounded the following Monday when he went to pick up his car. Gerry, the mechanic, asked him why he had chosen to rename it, then, grinning, pointed to the badge on the boot."

I asked what his brother had renamed the car.

"He didn't. At some point the name badge had been switched out. My brother had been driving around in Vulva. As you can imagine he is not a happy headmaster and is laying the blame on pupils in the school. He's decided they are the only ones who could have done it."

I asked why.

"Well, fourth year is when they start melting tin and lead in technology and making moulds. So every one of the fourth year up is in detention for 45 minutes very week night until the end of term for vandalising the car of a mamber of staff."

Knowing Eddie's mercurial sense of humour I asked how he found all this out.

"My nephew confided in me. My brother is not a greedy man and has been sharing his pain. As I said, I walked into a s**tstorm.

"Anyway, I promise you'll have the first chapter in time for the new year."

Tuesday, October 30, 2018

Remember Eddie Whelan?

Remember Eddie Whelan? That monster performer of the 80s? Second only to Eric Clapton (in Eddie's eyes)?

He's back. New album, new tour, new everything...almost. Hasn't got a new wife yet.

I've been privileged to be given an interview with the great man ahead of his latest biography, a tale that picks up some years after his last (1999) biography, but misses out the years in between. According to Eddie it's because they were either boring or he was too drunk to remember.

  • AGE: 58 (but that’s negotiable) 
  • HEIGHT: 5’11, but everyone’s the same height when they lay down 
  • EYE COLOUR: Blue, unless I change my contacts 
  • PHYSICAL APPEARANCE: Tall, slim, wavy hair, perfect teeth, stunning good looks 
  • UNIQUE ATTRIBUTES: Amazing talent 
  • THINGS YOU WOULD CHANGE ABOUT YOUR APPEARANCE: Nothing really, why mess with perfection 
  • WHERE DO YOU LIVE: I did live in Mayfair til the taxman snagged my mansion, now I am between abodes 
  • PET PEEVES: The music industry’s views on age and viability in music. The average boy band has had it once they hit 18. Oh, and mass produced plastic pop 
  • FONDEST MEMORY: Hard to choose really, they are all x-rated 
  • HOBBIES AND INTERESTS: 36-28-36-69 
  • SPECIAL SKILLS AND ABILITIES: See previous question 
  • INSECURITIES: What? Me insecure? 
  • WHAT ARE YOUR NEGATIVE TRAITS: My first two wives will tell you that I don’t think things through 
  • THINGS WHICH UPSET YOU: My first two wives not trusting me 
  • THINGS WHICH EMBARRASS YOU: Nothing. If you’re afraid it’s going to come back and haunt you, you probably shouldn’t be doing it in the first place 
  • IS THERE ANYTHING YOU HAVE STRONG OPINIONS ON: Yes. Crappy bubblegum music. And seersucker. Who ever invented that had serious issues
  • WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY: Performing on stage 
  • WHAT IS YOUR DEEPEST DARKEST SECRET: My real first name is Eric 
  • WHY DID YOU KEEP THAT A SECRET: There is only room in music for one Eric 
  • FAVOURITE BOOKS: Anything by Wodehouse, Cornwall, Bates, Tolkein, Pratchett, Holt, and Boccaccio 
  • FAVOURITE FOOD: Anything but heart, liver, kidneys, snails and frog legs. Oh, and fugu fish. Fugu fish is the gastronomic equivalent of dodging traffic 
  • FAVOURITE SPORT: Ladies volley ball 
  • WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO YOU: Bloody Susan bunking off with my bank account 
  • SUPERSTITIONS: Don’t have room for those. They're just an excuse people use when things go wrong 

The first chapter of his book will be released on this blog next month.


N.B. Eddie Whelan is a fictional character. Any similarity between Eddie and any other fabulous performer is purely coincidental. Just so you know.


Friday, September 28, 2018

Friday Fun - The Final Cut

Today will be my last Friday Fun. In fact it will be my last blog on 'From Sand to Glass'. I may return to it at some future point, but I'm not sure. It certainly will not be until next year at the earliest.

- To those who have read and commented, thank you
- To those who have read and disagreed, thank you
- To those who have laughed, thank you
- To those who have spat their drink out of their nose while looking at Friday Fun, HAHAHAHAHAHA!

It's been nearly ten years and over a thousand blog entries, but it's time to go.

So, for one last time, have a laugh, a chortle and guffaw. Enjoy the cuteness, and think about the world around you.

And lastly, a message from me to all of you.