Monday, February 27, 2017

Passing Open Windows

One of my current reads is Dethroning Mammon by Justin Welby, Archbishop of Canterbury, a book he's written for lent. It's one of those books that I take a lot of time to read as it gives me a lot to think about regarding my life and the world around me, and I've come to a realisation: I'm a decent bloke.

Not perfect, who is, but decent.

The main thrust of his text is that, as humans, we need to be more generous with what we have, however little that is. On that score I'm doing well. Helping people financially, emotionally, mentally despite my own shortcomings.

I've also realised something else: in my intimate relationships I've wrapped myself up with people who took and never gave. They abused that spirit of giving to the point where I nearly died by my own hand. It's one reason I've avoided any further close relationships.

In the last seven years my life has restructured in a way that suits me better. I have enough to live on and enough to give away. I don't go out much, mainly because there are few places I want to go, but also because I can't afford it. A day trip somewhere would be nice, but it's not possible.

Yet I have no regrets about that. I see the smile on a person's face, the heaviness lifted from their hearts and some optimism. I find that relaxing and happy.

That generosity (a friend's word for me) does as much for my soul as a day out.

Still, I live alone without any emotional or mental intimacy, and until I find somneone else with a generosity of heart, someone who can give, not just physically, but also mentally & emotionally, with a tolerance for the ideas and faults of others, I shall stay alone.

It's not what I want, but it's better than being subdued in another fruitless, draining relationship. Till then, I'll keep passing all those open windows.