Wednesday, April 17, 2013

How NOT To Write A Cover Letter To An Agent

There are lots of things you can write in a letter to an agent. Here's are two examples of things you shouldn't write.


Dear Margaret,

I know where you live. I've been following you for a few months now to discover your movements, your likes and dislikes. To that end I've enclosed a few of your favourite Thornton's chocolates and a toy car for your five year old son. I hope you appreciate them. I really do.

I've enclosed my novel, Extreme, for your personal attention. It is not to be read by anyone else, or they will face the consequences. It's about a man who stalks his victims for months on end before kidnapping them. He then forces them to act out scenes from Shakespeare's Hamlet and records them on video. His aim to get a complete play recorded this way.

Please be assured that I have selected you to be my agent for this novel and have arranged the elimination of all the other employees at your firm to ensure you get it. The bombs will have exploded last night.

I accept that this admission will result in my being arrested and jailed, I have no desire to deny the charges, but the resulting publicity will be good for sales.

I look forward to meeting you. Soon. Very soon.

Regards,

Martin




Dear Paul,

I've written to every other agent and I'm at my wits end. You are my last hope of survival.

If I can't get my novel published my wife will leave me and take the kids with her, so please don't ignore this letter. The book is entitled Desperation and is based on my own life story. I've changed most of the names, except for those people who deserve to be humiliated in fiction, to protect identities.

I have until the end of the year or my wife will return to the Philippines.

Please don't ignore me.

Regards,

Martin


If you ever get to the point where you don't know what to write in a cover letter, try writing the worst one you can think of. Anything you write after that is going to be great.

See you on Friday.


3 comments:

Gabriel C. Taylor said...

Beautiful. Always look on the bright side.

DRC said...

hahahahahaaa...!! That is all :)

Martin Willoughby said...

Gabriel: If we don't, who will.

DRC: Can you imagine receiving one of these?