Friday, October 29, 2010

Rest and Relaxation...I Hope

The weekend is here, and with comes the hope of some R&R.  Hope.

I'm taking the boys into town tomorrow morning for the usual bun and fun.  After that, the two eldest will go up to Royston to spend time with some friends, and the youngest will go back to his mum's.  Providing that nothing comes up, I intend to spend the whole of Saturday doing as little as possible.  I think I've earned it after putting up curtain rails, curtains, moving a washing machine (that doesn't work yet), replacing a tyre (gotta get the other one fixed), tidying up the front room and my bedroom, cooking, cleaning the kitchen etc etc.

I am also going to have a beer tonight...after talking to a friend in need.

Sunday, the two eldest will be going up to Royston again and my mother and aunt will be coming over for afternoon tea (how very English).

R&R...what are you doing?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Sorting Hat...

...is desperately needed.

I have the rooms in the flat just about organised and know where things will go.  All I have to do now is put the stuff away.

My two youngest went back to their mum's place today, neither of whom were looking forward to it.  They have both enjoyed staying here and I've enjoyed having them here.  Still, they'll be back for the weekend after next.

It does mean that I can get things into their proper place and sort out the storeroom, but...a house is not a home without people and I miss them.

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Now that I have things semi-organised In can get back to my writing.  I'll post a picture of the 'office space' when I've finished tidying things up.

The novel has been in abeyance for some time so that will need some extra work.  Having had the break does mean that I can look at it with fresh eyes and see what I've missed out and what needs to be changed.  I also know that I won't have to move again for the foreseeable future and can concentrate without looking over my shoulder, wondering how long I'll be here.

The play rehearsals are moving along nicely.  On Monday we had no director and got a lot of work done on Act 1, which I am sure is nothing more than a coincidence.  Little John turned up as did Marguerite and we have a definite for the male babe.  By chance, he also attends the same college as my son, doing a drama course that a friend's daughter is doing.

Some times you realise how small the world is and how much we are connected.

Another directorless rehearsal on Thursday and then he's back from Bath next week, by which time we will ALL be word perfect for Act 1...maybe.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Where Have I Been?

As you can tell, I've not been blogging for a while.  But, I do have some good reasons.

1. Preparing for and moving home.  I am now in my own flat after sleeping on my mother's sofa for most of the last 18 months.  It's huge, needed decorating and is now (almost) fully finished.
2. Two mini nervous breakdowns, one of which nearly resulted in another suicide attempt.
3. Writing book reviews, a number of which have been published in hub magazine.
4. Rehearsing the latest production by KATS: Babes In The Wood.  I get to play the evil Baron, MWAHAHAHAHAHA!  I'm told it's typecasting and I don't need to do much acting, but I can't think what they mean.

Hopefully, now that I've moved and have moved on from the breakdowns, I can continue this blog.

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The second reason listed above, along with a phone call last weekend, has caused me to think about suicide a lot, though not in the sense of trying to kill myself.

Last Sunday I called an old friend who is also at the end of her tether.  As we spoke, she was taking paracetamol and trying to end her life.  She felt that she had nothing left to live for.  Her 11 year old daughter was wondering what was going on, but eventually my friend realised that she couldn't carry on in front of her daughter.

It got me thinking about the two types of suicide: wanting to die and not wanting to live. On the face of it, they are both the same, but there is a subtle difference between them. 

If you want to die, there is not much anyone can do to stop you.  There will be no reasons for life that will prevent you from trying to kill yourself.

If, however, you have run out of reasons to live, and this is the most common reason behind suicides, a little hope will stop you in your tracks.  Neither my friend or I were prevented from the attempt by the existence of our children.  In both cases, we thought that the kids would be better off if we died.  Instead of watching us suffer what seemed like an endlessly tormented life, they would be able to mourn us, move on and live their own lives without having to carry us with them.

In a twisted way, we thought we were doing it for their benefit. Once we found a reason, however, small, we stopped. It wasn't anything large, just a spark of hope.

I don't know all the statistics on suicide, but from my own experience, my attempts and those of several others who have survived, it's the lack of hope that kills.  Without hope, you have no reason to carry on.

It is no coincidence that Paul lists Hope along with Love, for it is vital to life.

If you know anyone who is feeling miserable and doesn't know what to do next, spend time with them.  Make them some tea or coffee, help with the washing up, listen to them.  Don't give answers or try and fix it for them: you can't, only they can fix their lives.  They need someone willing to spend some time listening and helping. 

Your presence as a friend is the best hope you can give.